Couples that Work- How to thrive in Love and at Work by Jennifer Petriglieri – Summary of Key Points

This book is based on the premise that life is composed of a series of transitions which professional couples need to navigate. Jennifer Petriglieri (Associate Professor of Organisational Behaviour at INSEAD) identifies three key work/life transitions which are triggered by some event which makes it difficult to continue travelling along the existing path. The three transitions:

Transition 1: Achieving Interdependence. 

1. Summary:  Typically in 20s and 30s: Triggered by events such as the need to move geographically, a promotion, losing a job, the arrival of a new baby, the need to care for aging parents, or family health issues. The question couples wrestle with during this transition is How can we make this work? This transition is about how couples move from having parallel independent careers and lives to having interdependent ones. 
2. Traps to avoid: 
1. Over-relying on economic decision criteria; 
2. Overlooking the long-term consequences of decisions; 
3. Over-focusing on practical challenges; 
4. Trying to do too much.
3. Three Models for Interdependence: 
1. Lead-parent model: one partner takes the lead-parent role and bears most of the child-care responsibilities. 
2. Turn-taking lead-parent model: switching every three to five years. 
3. Co-parenting model: partners split the lead-parent role. 

Transition 2: Transitioning to a New Path. 

1. Summary:  Typically in 40s: Triggered by inner world existential questions and doubts about whose life we are really living. Questioning whether we chose a particular path earlier in life because of parental or societal expectations. The question couples wrestle with during this transition is What do we really want? This transition is about identifying and pursuing what each partner wants out of their careers, lives and relationships 
2. Traps to avoid: 
1. Mistrusting our partner’s explorations and becoming defensive; 
2. Not mutually supporting each other’s developments; 
3. How to resolve this transition 
1. Renegotiate the division of career and family responsibilities that were established in the first transition; 
2. Look to rebalance the roles that each partner plays in the other’s life; 
3. A mutual secure base where each partner is the rock for each other is very important – an imbalance where one partner is able to support and the other can’t is a recipe for trouble; 

Transition 3: Exploring New Horizons. 

1. Summary: Typically in 50s and 60s: Triggered by role shifts that result in identity voids such as those caused children leaving home; or by becoming the most experienced workers in an organisation. These result in feelings of loss (of children, of youth), but also present an opportunity. The question couples wrestle with during this transition is How can we make this work? This transition is about filling the identity void left by the loss of significant roles that were established in the first two transitions. 
2. Traps to Avoid 
1. Getting caught up in “unfinished business” from the first two transitions; 
2. Narrowing horizons and not considering emerging opportunities; 
3. How to resolve this transition 
1. Play with the idea of who you might become; 
2. Reinvent yourself in a way that is grounded in past accomplishments whilst being open to future possibilities. 

Tools 

1. Couple Contracting (pp.32-37) 
1. List your personal values, boundaries and fears; 
2. Make choices openly and jointly. 
2. Logistics Survival Strategies – How to tackle the division of responsibilities (pp.58-63) 
1. List all your logistical tasks 
2. Decide what you can simply stop doing (set lower standards?) 
3. Decide which tasks you want to own – that are important to you to do; 
4. Decide which tasks you can outsource (the ironing?) 
5. Decide how to split the rest. 
3. Career Mapping – Forecast the shapes of your careers to help decide a Career Prioritization Model (pp.82-85)
1. Focus on the next five years; 
2. Do you have one or more specific career goals? 
3. How ambitious are you? 
4. What parental role would you prefer, if any? 
5. What aspects of your relationship with your partner are important to you? 
6. What other aspects of life are important to you? 
7. Map the trajectories of both your careers? 
8. Compare and discuss.