Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture by Hilary Levey Friedman - Book Review

I bought this book on the back of a Harvard Business Review Blog article by the author (for links see previous blogpost) believing it to be a research study into the relationship between competitive sport/ activities and future university and career success. Sadly, despite this being the thrust both of the HBR article and of the book's Preface, this is not the core of its thesis. Rather, Playing to Win is a sociological study of American parenting - focusing on how and why (middle class) parents are devoting increasing amounts of time and money to taking their Elementary school aged children (age 5-8) to after-school competitive activities. It describes how parents think and behave and seeks to unpack their motivations and aspirations.

Methodology

The field research was clearly a significant undertaking for one person. The study, which was conducted over sixteen months, took a "deep dive" into three different competitive fields (soccer, dance and chess) with six to nine months devoted to each field. It considered the parents of 86 children;in two areas, one urban ("Metro") and the other suburban ("West County"). The primary source of information was 172 "semi-informal" interviews (95 of which were with parents). 

Hilary Levey Friedman's thesis is an interesting one 

'I argue that the extensive time devoted to competition is driven by parents' demand for credentials for their children, which they see as a necessary and often sufficient condition for entry into the upper middle class and the "good life" that accompanies this. I develop the concept of "Competitive Kid Capital" to explore the ways in which winning has become central to the lives of American children." (p.3)

and 

 'I argue that it is this organised, competitive element, outside of the home, that is key to understanding middle- and upper-middle-class family life.  Parents worry that if their children do not participate in childhood tournaments they will fall behind in the tournament of life.  Whilst it's not clear if the parents are correct, what matters is that they believe that they are and act accordingly. Their beliefs about the future shape their actions in the present when it comes to their children's competitive after-school activities.' (p.8)

"Competitive Kid Capital" 

Playing to Win identifies five reasons why parents believe that competitive activities are important for young children - she terms these benefits "competitive Kid Capital":  

1. This Sport internalizes the importance of winning; 
2. Sport helps young people to learn how to bounce back from a loss to win in the future; 
3. Sport teaches the importance of performing within time limits; 
4. Sport helps young people to learn how to succeed in stressful situations; 
5. Sport teaches the importance of being able to perform under the gaze of others.

Review

Hilary Levey Friedman's has excellent academic credentials (Harvard-Princeton-Harvard) and it is no surprise that the book is structured like a serious piece of sociological research (in the "say what you are going to say", "say it", "say what you said" style). The author has command of the relevant literature and studies - it goes without saying that the noting, referencing and indexing are immaculate. However, it falls short in two respects. First, the author has not yet mastered an engaging popular writing style (typified by Gladwell and Pink) and drifts from argument into anecdote and, at times, into a stream of consciousness (e.g. in the mis-named Conclusion, which degenerates into the author's personal reflections on the broad theme of parenting). Secondly, the field research on which this book draws was on such a small scale that it is very difficult to draw any wider conclusions with any degree of certainty.

What disappointed me most was that the book set out to answer the question, 'Why do so many families spend their weekends watching their children compete?' (p.3) but ended devoting so much space simply to documenting and describing the micro-societies that are the world of the out-of-school chess/ dance/ soccer parent. Consequently, I found myself wanting to write "Don't narrate, argue" in the margin for large parts of book (it took me back to the days of marking C grade A-level essays!). For this reason, the best parts of the book were undoubtedly the Preface and the Introduction, where Hilary Levey Friedman outlined (and argued) her central thesis - these are well worth a read.

Those of us who work in schools are only too aware that young people in the UK already are engaged in many more activities that were those of us of the parent generation and that competitive parenting increases the closer to London that one travels. Playing to win serves as a timely reminder that things are only likely to get worse.

As a parent, I am relieved that the lion share of my children's activities have been provided by the school 'as part of the package'. One of the great benefits of the independent sector is that so many after-school and holiday actives are provided by the school which extend and develop young people. Furthermore there are many opportunities to compete in a whole range of areas. In short, "Competitive Kid Capital" comes as standard.

Hilary Levey Friedman, Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture (September 2013)

Are you a Veeping Parent?

Excellent article on the dilemmas facing parents:

Anne McElvoy: 'I keep veering from Tiger Mother to Mumsnet softie' Evening Standard 27/02/2013

Veeps — Veering Parents, who swing between the fierce demands of attainment and letting the little darlings have the run of the iPad and chillout time.

See also Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother - Amy Chua

Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother - Amy Chua

If you ever want to feel inadequate as a parent, then read Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

Amy Chua produced two A-grade musical child prodigies who won International competitions and performed around the world in their early teens: Sophia on the Piano and Lulu on the Violin. In this book she outlines the secret to her success as a parent and the price she paid in time, sweat and tears.

Chua is the Über of all Über mothers, who manages to combine full-on parenting with a legal career that leads her to join her husband (Jed Rubenfeld) both as a Yale Law professor and a successful author. Her disdain for Western approaches to parenting permeate the book; indeed it sets out to compare the flawed approach adopted by most Americans to her preferred methods of what she terms "Chinese parenting". The cultural battle is played out in the lives of her two daughters who achieve so much due to the focussed approach of their mother, but who ultimately rebel. Chua throughout is convinced that the Chinese approach is not just different, but superior to any Western methods of parenting.

On the first page of her book she sets the tone when she lists some of the things that her children were never allowed to do. These include:

1. Attend a sleepover
2. Have a playdate
3. Be in a school play
4. Complain about not being in a school play.
5. Watch TV or play computer games
6. Choose their own extracurricular activities
7. Get any grade less than an A
8. Not be the #1 student in every subject except gym and drama
9. Play any instrument other than the violin or piano
10. Not play the piano or violin.

To the liberal, Western mind, her methods are Draconian bordering at times on the monstrous. However, amongst the moments of confession, self-justification, therapy and maternal angst, there are some profound insights into the real dilemmas that we all face bringing up children.
Amy Chua's approach throws up a mirror to the post-Enlightenment values of freedom, rights and above all choice - all of which she asserts have no place in parenting. Children should obey and respect their parents, make them proud and look after them in old age.

The sadness of the story is that the girls did rebel [This is not a funny book - despite the protestations on the cover to that effect]. Amy Chua eventually lost the battle. Lulu ultimately gave up playing the violin seriously aged 13. Indeed, having backed off and given her the choice ["horror of horrors" - Western heresy!], Chua did not really learn the lesson and even tried to "backseat drive" when Lulu decided to devote herself to tennis instead.

Her "Chinese parenting" methods clearly worked, but for whom? Is she so driven because she wants the best for her daughters or does she need prodigious children to confirm her status as a good mother? Were the hours of toil and argument in the music practice room for them or for her? She certainly wears the highs and lows on her sleeve. It is difficult to like the author. Indeed I spent most of the time sympathising with the children and, above all - reading between the lines - for her long-suffering husband, Jed.

Chua's concluding insight is that life is too short to waste time. Like many high-achieving people she obviously lives by this mantra. But like many high-achieving people I wonder if she ever steps off the achievement hamster wheel to enjoy life. She even snatches victory from the jaws of the final defeat at the hands of teenage rebellion by writing a best seller - a Radio Four book of the week, no less. I suspect that says a lot about this particular Tiger Mother.

Clearly there has been a lot of controversy, particularly in the States, over whether or not Chinese parenting methods are superior [just Google the book!], but what struck me most was that there is something genuinely prophetic here.

Above all, this book serves to warn us about the way the world might become. If Amy Chua's approach reflects what is going on in the majority of homes in China, then the West needs to take note and prepare for a tidal wave of highly motivated and driven talent sweeping the world. The "Chinese parenting" approach and drive has been there for generations, but we are faced for the first time in recent history with a generation of young Chinese who have had significantly greater educational and travel opportunities and greater access to wealth than their parents. "Chinese parenting" on that scale will undoubtedly shake the domestic foundations and values of Western society.

Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was published by Bloomsbury in 2011
[You don't really need to purchase this book - the first chapter says it all and that is available free online on the Amazon website]